More tales...

I wish, I wish, I could take pictures at work! I wish I could tape record what people say to me. I wish I could video tape situations that only a nurse (and perhaps, cops) see every day. Example: a guy comes in with the complaint of "cut to buttocks". Further investigation reveals he was surfing and was cut with the surfboard fins (which are extremely sharp) about 2 cm away from his anus. We're talking in the butt crack. I guess the fin sliced through his swim trunks and, luckily for him, did not go so far as to slice his anus, or testicles for that matter. I had the happy job of holding his butt cheeks open while the doctor stiched him up. What ensued was awkward, forced conversation. Let me set the stage: Patient: lying face down on the stretcher, naked from the waist down, blue sterile drapes framing his buttocks, which are bathed in bright lights. Me: hands gloved in blue, spreading his butt cheeks as far as they would go. Doctor: 27 gauge needle dripping with lidocaine, sutures at the ready. My job as a nurse, is to not only help the doctor do what he or she needs to do, but to also help the patient feel comfortable. "So," I ask, as I make sure his cheeks are sufficiently spread apart, "do you live around here?" I'm desperately trying to fill the awkward silence. How many of you would be comfortable with your whole anus and butt crack exposed to total strangers? "Uhhh, yeah, I live in Marina", this poor guy responds. "Oh, that's a nice area", I answer. There is a couple of seconds of silence and then we all crack up, the patient included. I mean, how do you turn an uncomfortable situation into a "no big deal, we do this every day" situation?

I really try to encourage people to take pictures of their injuries. I realize that they are not always in the mood at the time because of fear, pain, etc., but I believe eventually they will want to remember their adventure. Most people have a camera on their cell phone so I suggest to friends or to the patient themselves to get a picture before we stitch them up (or put them in a splint). I was in a terrible car accident when I was younger and, at the time, I wouldn't let anyone take a picture but now I wish I would have. It's amazing what the body can heal from. And I also think that scars are a certain rite of passage as human beings in the human race.

A woman, my age, presented with the chief complaint of "bumpy cervix". We brought her into our special room for gynecological problems (we have a special bed with stirrups to do the pelvic exam). She reported having a "drugged out night" with a gentleman and the next morning felt lumps on her cervix. She wouldn't divulge exactly what drugs but told us she had a patchy memory of the night before. Every pelvic exam performed by a clinician needs to have a witness so I volunteered. I set up the usual equipment: lighted speculum, KY jelly, and various lab specimen collection devices. One of my favorite physician's assistant's was performing the exam. She's no-nonsense and extremely professional. The patient's leg's were spread and the PA had already inserted the speculum. I was ready to hand her whatever she needed when she looked at me oddly and said, "Hand me a forcep". I was not ready for this request at all and luckily found a sterile forcep in the cupboard. At this point my curiosity almost got the better of me. What the hell did she need a forcep for during a routine pelvic exam? I maintained my professionalism and handed her the sterile instrument. The PA reached into the womans vagina and pulled out...a latex studded cock ring. "What is that?!", cried the patient. "It's a cock ring", the PA calmly replied as she set the offending article in the garbage. For those of you who don't know, a cock ring is a latex "implement" that is placed around the head of the penis to enhance pleasure for both partners. Unfortunately, this woman's partner did not share with her that he was using one (my guess, small penis) and it must've slipped off at some point. He had to have known that he came off but was maybe too embarrassed to tell her he "lost" something. She couldn't wait to get on the phone and tell him what she "found". Yikes.

Living's easy..

Summer time. Squid, watermelon, cucumber, and cool glasses of reisling on the patio. What else do you need?

Summer is probably my favorite food time. It seems so fleeting... I get greedy with the heirloom tomatoes and corn. We buy every fig and soft shell crab we can get our hands on. I almost feel a desperation to eat as much as I can, while I can. I don't feel this way in the fall or winter. We spend many nights on the patio, with rose wine and plates of cool food. Farro salads with cucumber and tomato. Barbequed NY Strip and cold yukon potato salad. Seared pork with shell beans and beet puree. It's difficult spending time with non-"foodies". I was invited to a BBQ recently where the salads were from a bag and the ribs were bulk from Costco (shudder!)..Most people have lost sight of good food. It's always refreshing to hang out with people who know the difference between a roma tomato and a heirloom tomato. I just read a great blog from a chef's wife called dcw that inspired me to write more about my experience of being married to a chef. So hard to not be a food snob when my husband makes scrambled eggs and morels for breakfast before I go to work.

Another toughie on being a chef's wife: Making a reservation at a great new restaurant and husband knowing half the servers, managers, and other chefs who happen to have the night off and also dining at the restaurant. One of the most difficult things is that it's hard to get people to relate to my job. It's easy to talk about cooking...But what about nursing? Every great story I know is usually inappropriate for the dinner table. Pretty much inappropriate at any setting. So I let him have his glory while I stand supportive by his side, looking as pretty as I can.

Had a fantastic anniversary weekend! Stayed at the Culver Hotel in Culver City. You may not know that Culver City is a huge movie mecca. Sony Studios is here. The Culver Hotel was built in 1924 and the local newspaper headline said, "Newest Skyscraper!"; it's six stories! So many famous actors have stayed here. During the filming of The Wizard of Oz, 124 little people stayed at the hotel, sometimes 3 to a room, reportedly sleeping horizontally on the beds. All sorts of debauchery were reported to have happened during their stay. I was really excited because I had just watched "Gone With the Wind" for the first time and had learned that Clark Gable stayed at the hotel during the filming. I knew that the hotel had a special Clark Gable room but we couldn't afford it. They also have a John Wayne room (who was part owner in the 50's) and a Marilyn Monroe room (who stayed there several times while filming movies). When we checked in, they gave us our room keys and when we went up to the room we realized they had put us up in the Clark Gable room!! So we fucked, shit, and drank booze in the same room that Clark Gable did!!! How cool!

More fun in the ER!

So, this is the first time I will ever say this statement (and hopefully the last!): I was pissed on by a 300 pound transvestite. Yes, yes, I was. Not his fault, exactly. He, pardon me, SHE has Parkinsons and needed the help of two nurses to urinate. We pulled down her pink and white striped leggings and discovered that she had tucked her penis and balls deep in between her legs. So the other nurse began the task of pulling out folds and folds of skin. She actually asked, in frustration, "Where's your penis?". She finally found it and placed "Maggie's" penis into the opening of the male urinal. Now, of course we were wearing gloves and waited patiently for Maggie to urinate. "I think I'm done," she said. "You think??", asked the other nurse. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." Not to sound like House, MD but never, ever trust a patient. The other nurse started to pull Maggie's penis out of the urinal and, like a newborn boy, as soon as "her" penis was pointed upwards, she shot out another huge stream of urine. It rained down on us like a golden shower. The other nurse and I both yelped and pulled our bodies backwards. But, being the professionals we are, did not let go of the patient. I felt hot urine hit my forehead and hair. "Are you hit?" I asked, as if we were in a war zone. "My arms!" the other nurse replied. We quickly pulled up Maggie's stretchy pants and ran to the bathroom to scour ourselves. We avoided eye contact because both of us wanted to laugh, and I knew it would only progress into the type of giggles you succumb to when you are absolutely not supposed to laugh; i.e. church, school, in front of a camera, and in front of a patient who truly can't help it. Poor gal, so out of control of her body on so many levels...

What I've been up to

So Noah and I have been enjoying being "childless" **gasp!** and having a lot of fun being able to do whatever we want, mainly cooking wonderful food and taking small trips here and there. We explored the central coast of California and did some wine tasting. Noah took a job at a french restaurant called La Cachette. Kind of boring for him but at least he's doesn't have all the responsibility he had in his last job. We are enjoying summer's bounty...

We enjoyed a wonderful afternoon/evening about 20 miles north of Malibu on a beach that allows BBQ's...




We enjoyed a birthday party "behind the Orange Curtain" for my new sister in law and Gramma Lea. All the family came out to celebrate...






Enjoying life in all its small but absolutely significant moments! Missing my family, of course, but realizing the reason we live here!

Another fabulous mini vacation...

A relic I felt worthy of posting now..
>


Went on another great vacation while Noah is on a work hiatus. We had a wedding in Los Gatos on Saturday June 9th so we headed up a day early and stayed in San Jose. The drive was about 5 hours; we enjoyed our iPods through the car stereo and stopped at a rest stop and ate Framani salami, d'affinois soft cheese, and hunks of sourgdough bread. We switched back and forth on driving duties, laughing when Noah did a funny South Park imitation "They took our joobbs!", and telling each other in a funny voice, "We're havin' fuuunnnn!"
Our hotel was modern and cool and we headed straight to the pool for the afternoon, drinking the champagne of beers (Miller High Life), and diving in when we got too warm. We had reservations at a Michelin 2 star restaraunt and called a taxi to take us there at 7:30. They sat us at a wonderful corner table and we didn't leave until 12:30! We ordered the tasting menu paired with wine; the food was amazing, the wine was equally, and at the end of the meal we met the chef who had actually met Noah at a bookstore some time back. Go figure..