Monday, August 6, 2007

More fun in the ER!

So, this is the first time I will ever say this statement (and hopefully the last!): I was pissed on by a 300 pound transvestite. Yes, yes, I was. Not his fault, exactly. He, pardon me, SHE has Parkinsons and needed the help of two nurses to urinate. We pulled down her pink and white striped leggings and discovered that she had tucked her penis and balls deep in between her legs. So the other nurse began the task of pulling out folds and folds of skin. She actually asked, in frustration, "Where's your penis?". She finally found it and placed "Maggie's" penis into the opening of the male urinal. Now, of course we were wearing gloves and waited patiently for Maggie to urinate. "I think I'm done," she said. "You think??", asked the other nurse. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." Not to sound like House, MD but never, ever trust a patient. The other nurse started to pull Maggie's penis out of the urinal and, like a newborn boy, as soon as "her" penis was pointed upwards, she shot out another huge stream of urine. It rained down on us like a golden shower. The other nurse and I both yelped and pulled our bodies backwards. But, being the professionals we are, did not let go of the patient. I felt hot urine hit my forehead and hair. "Are you hit?" I asked, as if we were in a war zone. "My arms!" the other nurse replied. We quickly pulled up Maggie's stretchy pants and ran to the bathroom to scour ourselves. We avoided eye contact because both of us wanted to laugh, and I knew it would only progress into the type of giggles you succumb to when you are absolutely not supposed to laugh; i.e. church, school, in front of a camera, and in front of a patient who truly can't help it. Poor gal, so out of control of her body on so many levels...

2 comments:

DCW said...

I wouldn't believe it unless I read it. Quite possibly the most entertaining story of all time.

mama_nomad said...

blake and i were rolling! "are you hit?" hahahhahaahahahaa.

oh i mean sorry 'bout that!