Patient's that are absolutely bonkers..

Oh boy! Ran into some serious wackos tonight...(yes, wackos is a medical term):

A guy came in with a complaint of "out of Valium". On his chart he had listed a long, long list of medications he says he regularly takes, including heavy duty narcotics. But reports he has no regular physician. I asked him, "Where do you get your medications?" He answers, "The pharmacy". Brilliant. "No," I said. "Who prescribes your medications?" He says various Emergency rooms he visits. He has insurance, people! He has no reason not to have a regular doctor to prescribe! Instead he racks up gigantic ER bills because he is too lazy (or too drug seeking) to get a regular doctor. And you wonder why insurance is so f*cking expensive?! Blame assholes like this, working the system. Guess what? We didn't give him shit except advice to see a regular doctor.

A woman came in because she just had genital warts frozen off. She said she wanted information about cervical cancer. The PA asked her "Didn't your doctor give you information?" She said, "My doctor told me I was going to die in 3 to 15 years from cervical cancer." Okay... So we gave her information after telling her that she must have misunderstood what her doctor meant. When I brought her discharge instructions she asked me if she could volunteer at the hospital. I said she would have to call the volunteer department. She asked if she could volunteer on the cancer ward. "I don't know how it works but you can ask," I responded. Then she said, (obviously this girl was only hearing what she wanted to hear) "I want to work on the cancer ward so that I can learn about cervical cancer." Whoah, whoah! "You cannot volunteer on a cancer ward and quiz patient's about cancer!! Look on the internet, go to your doctor, the local library, whatever! But do not volunteer with cancer patient's to get info!" I called the volunteer office and left them a message that this woman probably wouldn't be a good choice.

A woman came in after being "assaulted" by the police. Her daughter had been pulled over for a traffic violation and had somehow ended up in handcuffs. The mother had showed up on the scene and apparently charged the police officers. They grabbed her arm and pinned her against the hood of a police car. The cops let both of them go eventually but the mother ended up in our ER in hysterics. "I'm a teacher! They can't do that to ME!" (Common elitist view) In an ER we are required by law to report, to the police, any assaults. So a sargeant showed up to take a statement and of course this woman flipped. "I don't want this man in my room!", etc, etc. I felt bad for the poor sargeant because he was not involved in the incident and he was just trying to do his job. And I have to give him props for being polite even though she was verbally abusive toward him. She refused to give a statement to him but did agree to sign a medical report waiver so that the police station would receive a copy of her chart. The police asked me to accompany him to the car where he had the paperwork. I walked them out to the police cruiser and this women would not shut up about the "travesty" that had occured to her and her daughter. All the policeman wanted her to do was sign a peice of paper. But she couldn't stop bitching and complaining. So I took her by the shoulders, looked her in the eyes, and asked her, "What is your top priority right now?" She immediately responded, "My daughter." I said, "Sign the papers, go to your daughter, and deal with all this bullshit tomorrow!" She got my point and left 10 seconds after signing the paper. So the poor sargeant and I had a good laugh over what a freak she was. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand why she was so upset. But if you had been there to hear everything she said and did, you might be a little more cynical. I tried to explain to her that she is in LA and the cops don't know that her daughter who they pulled over is "a sweet, smart girl who goes to UCLA". They just know some girl who was just pulled over is now not obeying their commands and freaking out. And they also don't know that the mother is a 2nd grade teacher just trying to protect her "mentally unstable daughter". They just see two freaky ladies trying to fight with them. My name was involved in the police report because I witnessed her refusing to make a statement and that the sargeant was civil to her. Hopefully I won't ever get involved but in this in this sue happy society, you never know...