101 uses of a carrot...

A patient came into the ER with the complaint of "something stuck in my rectum".  His story was that he was "impacted" (meaning hard stool is stuck in the rectum and regular poo can't get by).  To solve his problem he decided to insert a carrot to dig out the offending hard poo.  Well, the carrot got away from him and lodged itself so deep that he was unable to get it out.  The doc who examined him is this cute little Asian girl who looks all about 14 years old but is a fabulous doctor.  She told us that she attempted to retrieve the carrot with forceps.  Unfortunately, once something is lodged in the rectum, a vacuum seal is created, making extraction difficult.  She tried to pull out the carrot, just to have it sucked back in.  She tried again to pull it out and once again it got sucked back in.  This happened about 5 times when the man turned around (imagine him  on his hands and knees) and said, "Just pull it out already!".  Appalled, she said "What do you think I'm trying to do?".  For god's sake, did he think she was just pulling it out and pushing it back in for fun?!?  

She realized she could not get it out on her own and called the GI (gastrointerologist) specialists.  Basically they performed a lower endoscopy which entails putting a rubber tube complete with a camera up the rectum to pull out the offending object.  After two hours of trying they were unsuccessful.  They even tried to burn holes into the end of the carrot to get a better grip.  No dice.  What they were successful at was taking photos of the carrot.

The decision was made to send the man to the operating room.  Poor guy, I saw him sitting outside his ER room, slumped shoulders, looking so defeated.  And he looked like a regular guy, not like what you might imagine.  I felt sorry for him.  I read the operative report the next day:

Patient was placed in the lithotomy position. (On his back, legs bent and spread wide open, much like getting a gynecological exam.)  Medications were given to relax the muscles.  (The rectum is just a nice, tight muscle).  Spreading devices were used to open the orifice as much as possible.  Reaching in with a special clamp, the surgeon was able to remove the carrot in its entirety.  All 13 inches of it.   

Do I believe his story?  Not really.  Do I feel bad for him?  Absolutely.  Maybe just a fetish gone wrong.  His paperwork said he was married.  Did he have to explain to his wife why he spent over 8 hours in the emergency room and accumulated a gigantic bill?  Maybe she already knew...  Does she do the grocery shopping????